Defusing Negotiation Conflicts

Negotiations come in all shapes and sizes, from discussions with teens about weekend curfews to complex meetings to settle the details of corporate mergers that can last for weeks. While any negotiation can have its tense moments, in most instances both sides will make the effort to get along and try to find a Win Win solution. But not always. Sometimes conflicts arise and escalate in ways that not only make things difficult and unpleasant, but which can easily torpedo the entire process and ruin the chance of success for everyone.

No matter what the level of emotion may be, or what the position or issue is on the table, always remember that– at the root -- conflict is based on a real or perceived fear or challenge that one's self interests are threatened by another's. Someone is afraid of losing something – and it is often more than just a money issue. There are four general categories of conflict:

First of all there are Data Conflicts. These conflicts arise most often from incorrect, missing, or poorly communicated information. They can also result from honest mistakes and faulty assumptions. Sometimes this can create confusion or suspicion that leads to hard feelings.

And then there are Relationship Conflicts. These arise most often from strong emotions, incompatible personality traits, the legacy of history – things like "old baggage” from previous encounters or maybe just a bad reputation that creates suspicion. Or it could be rooted in things like competitive affiliations and associations, or maybe just as simple as misreading behavioral cues.

The third area of conflict is Values Conflicts. These emerge from unclear rules (such as, what constitutes "clean" fighting), contrasting political ideologies and religious beliefs, different lifestyles, outside pressures and occupational perceptions or business customs. There are lots of ways that people can get cross with each other that don’t have anything to do with the actual issues and interests.

And finally – number four – Structural Conflicts. These result from the complexity of the organizational power structure, perceived injustices in power, perceived inequity in resource allocation, cultural, economic, legal or environmental barriers, and constraints of time and location. These conflicts may be internal or external. And they can be very tricky to resolve. People don’t respond well when they believe the deck has been stacked against them.

So, what can you do to de-escalate a conflict situation? First of all, remember that what prompts a dispute is the sense that interests are in competition, whether they really are or not. Remember that people act according to their perceptions, not according to reality. Before you start negotiating or trying to de-escalate a conflict, try to figure out what the other party's reality is. Which are real issues, and which are perceived? How do personal interests figure in? You may be convinced that price is the most important factor, but the other party may be more interested in looking like a hero to a quality-conscious organization. You may be convinced your company has a reputation for price competitiveness, while the other party is certain you are trying to get them to pay higher prices than other purchasing agents.

Now matter what the internal dynamics are, there are many tools that can be used to interrupt the destructive process of conflict escalation. Here are some of them.

1. CONTACT: Put yourself in the other party's shoes. Examine motivations. Find out what else may be going on to influence behavior.
2. LISTEN: This means active listening, not just being quiet until you have a chance to talk. One of the best ways of doing this is to echo back to the other side what you think you have just heard. Rephrase it: "If I understand you correctly...," or, "What you're saying is..."
3. BUILD MOMENTUM: Start with one issue at a time, preferably a simple issue, and use it to build a collaborative momentum of agreement, using easy "yeses" as you go.
4. LOOK FOR SUBORDINATE GOALS: If you can't solve this problem, is there another one you can solve? The idea is to transform the face to face conflict into side by side problem solving.
5. BE FIRM ON GOALS, FLEXIBLE ON MEANS: Yes, you know what you want, but can you find another way to get it? You can still get twice per week delivery if the product comes on Monday and Thursday instead of Tuesday and Friday.
6. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT: If you catch yourself arguing vehemently, take a break and separate. If you've been tackling a multi issue problem one issue at a time, try tackling several issues at once. Or, if you've been taking things one at a time, try dealing in groups.
7. HELP THE OTHER PARTY SAVE FACE: Often, that's all it takes. The first four letters in negotiation NEGO, which stands for No EGO. Try to find ways to protect the ego of both parties.

Once you begin focusing on finding solutions instead of protecting your own positions, you will discover ways to resolve the conflict and find the Win both sides are looking for.

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December Quick Tip of the Month – You Will Never Get a Better Deal Than You Ask For!

It is obvious to most negotiators that in order to be successful you must ask for more than you expect to get (or offer less than you expect to pay). This is only common sense, because no matter what standard you set, the other person will counter with something that is more in their favor, even if your first offer was great. Even if you declare that your position is firm, you can count on eventually settling for a result that does not exactly conform to your position (unless you are prepared to walk away and settle for no deal at all if you don’t get what you want). One thing is absolutely certain: you will never end up with a result that is BETTER than your opening position. Many people make the mistake of opening the negotiation at or near their desired goal, usually because they don’t want to offend or scare away the other side. This strategy almost always guarantees that the final result will produce less than these people hoped to receive. Do yourself a favor; always open with some wiggle room. This doesn’t automatically guarantee that you will get what you want, but you will certainly have a better chance than opening by asking too little or offering too much.