“If negotiators view themselves as adversaries in a personal face-to-face confrontation, it is difficult to separate their relationship from the substantive problem. In that context, anything one negotiator says about the problem seems to be directed personally at the other and is received that way. Each side tends to become defensive and reactive and to ignore the other side’s legitimate interests altogether.”
The cornerstones of principled negotiation are a set of rules suggested by Roger Fisher and William Ury in Getting To Yes. One of these tenets, frequently quoted by negotiation experts and trainers, is to “separate the people from the problem.”
It sounds good; “separate the people from the problem.” The line has an interesting rhythm, and even a touch of alliteration. It’s easy to remember the rule. It’s less easy, however, to understand the full implications of this rather broad piece of negotiating advice, and even more difficult to practice it.
Why It’s So Hard
Separating interpersonal, emotional or social issues from the substance of the negotiation sounds simple in theory. In practice, though, we find that people are bad at doing this.
We are social creatures. We have strong emotions. We get personally invested in the issues, and we identify with our company’s well-being. It’s difficult not to take any perceived threat to those interests as a personal attack.
Whether or not we get along with the person across the table shouldn’t be an issue in our negotiations, either. It has nothing to do with the business we’re discussing – and yet, how much harder is it to reach a win-win agreement when we really don’t like the other person? We may end up arguing or stonewalling. We may dig into an entrenched position just because we can’t stand the idea of “losing” to that nosedrip on the other side of the table.
Conversely, if we have a personal relationship with the other party, we cannot let the outcome of the negotiation impact negatively on that. What happens at the negotiation table stays at the negotiation table.
Conflict, blame, frustration, differing perceptions, communication issues, or fear can easily get the best of us. What separating the people from the problem really means is that we do our best to set all that aside and focus on the issue at hand.
Five Degrees of Separation
How can we ensure that we’re keeping the negotiation issues separate from our personal concerns? Here are five ways to avoid blurring the boundaries.
1. Handle emotions. If things get emotional and the negotiation is in danger of going off-track, acknowledge that fact. Recognizing and verbalizing rising emotions can take the top off the kettle before it boils over, and help you both refocus. “You’re starting to sound pretty frustrated, and I understand why – I’m in the same boat. Let’s stop for a breather and then see if there’s a way we can work through this problem with level heads.”
2. Respect their perspective. Very seldom do negotiating partners see eye-to-eye on everything. Making an effort to understand their point of view can prevent that feeling of personal attack from accompanying every request for concessions. Acknowledging and discussing those differences in perspective can also help everyone stay open-minded, and even uncover useful information like underlying interests.
3. Communicate. The true meaning of communication is being together in understanding. It’s not enough merely to say something or to hear something said – we must strive to get our real meaning across, and listen actively to fully grasp the meaning of others’ messages. The more clearly we communicate, and the more carefully we listen, the less likely we are to misunderstand, inadvertently insult, or confuse the other party (and vice versa). “What I think I hear you saying is ……. Is that correct?”
4. Prioritize the relationship. Positive business relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. We’re not going to be best buddies with every negotiating partner, but we can still work well with them, as long as there is a foundation of respect and trust. Assume that every relationship is potentially a long-term one, and avoid doing anything that could violate that trust. Be respectful and honest, and make a point of building and maintaining a positive relationship.
5. Don’t assume anything. It’s easy to ascribe malicious intent based on our own fears and insecurities. The tendency to identify with our company’s interests and defend them as though our lives (or at least our egos) depend on it can sometimes lead us to jump to conclusions about what the other party is doing, or preparing to do. Reserve judgment about their motivations and avoid reacting as though they are out to get you. After all, even if they are acting maliciously, an emotional reaction is unlikely to help counter whatever they are doing. Just keep calm and negotiate on.
Baker Communications offers leading edge Negotiations Training solutions that will help you address the goals and achieve the solutions addressed in this article. For more information about how your organization can achieve immediate and lasting behavior change that leads to bigger wins during negotiations in any setting, click here.
